No wine-ing..... POW POW POW!

So this story is not all strictly mine to tell - but just because the hubs isn't a blogger, I don't feel it's fair to let his side of the story slip by.

His was another scorpion saga after all......

It happened over a week ago, while Mommy was on her way to book club. I'd innocently plonked a half-drunken bottle of plonk in a cup-holder beside the driver's seat in the minivan..

Yes - those cup holders are designed to fit a bucket of draft Dr Pepper - so there's no problem wedging a bottle of wine in one. There is a problem, however, driving in Texas with an open container of alcohol.....

But I didn't think about that until I was standing inside the local Super' - trying to 'redbox' a copy of One for the Money for 'book' club movie evening.

I also had no idea what redbox-ing was, and when I arrived, I was told by a teller that they didn't have a redbox. Oh... ! I was about to turn around, when the really helpful teller said. But we do have a bluebox!

Redbox, bluebox... what's the friggin' difference? I'd never before heard of a DVD vending machine - I wasn't about to care about what color it was.

It didn't matter,  they didn't even have our movie in there anyway.

It was about this time that the penny dropped about my illegal open wine bottle sitting pretty in the front of the minivan for all shoppers to see.. and I started to sweat a little. I rushed back out to the van with horrific visions of the Headlines in the local Hill Country paper:

"Pregnant British Immigrant arrested after being found driving with half-consumed bottle of wine!"

I wasn't drinking it - honest officer - it wasn't even for me! I was taking the bloody bottle to book club - a sure fire place to get rid of it - seeing as though I'm not allowed more than a tiny tipple!

I'd failed on my movie mission AND I was breaking the law.

There was, however, a movie store (i.e video shop in my Brit lingo) less than 30 seconds drive away. I could check there, but I was loathe to take any longer lingering in town - in case I upped my chances of being commandeered by the local sheriff....

I tried in vain to stuff the wine bottle behind my seat, but it was too fat to fit in the pocket - and contorting in my seat in the late afternoon heat was exhausting for this 7 month preggo punter. By then I was much sweatier - and starting to look a little inconspicuous to the closest parked vehicles. My clammy hands accidentally palmed the cork out. Oh, this looked bad... very bad.

So back in the cup holder it went, and I rammed the cork back into place.  

Leaving the offending bottle where it was, I drove across the road to the movie store without being arrested - phew - unfortunately finding only a Blue-ray copy. Did our host have a Blue-ray? Did this baby-brained Momma even have our host's phone number?

Can a monkey fly out of my butt..?


Meanwhile Daddy had set out with both boys in the double stroller for their evening doggie walk on the neighbors land. The doggies are still being leashed following the shooting incident.......


In the end I decided to ditch the DVD acquisition, and having failed my task miserably, I headed to our host's home empty-handed (save for the wine and a stick of summer sausage). Of course I passed a Sheriff on the way, but there was no reason for him to pull me over - at least no reason he knew of.....

If I'd have been stopped for anything at all, it would have been overly suspicious safe driving - and possibly smiling too much.

So I made it to book club unscathed. No real story there - sorry for the let down...

But then, one of my book buddy's phones started ringing...

The hubs was trying to get a hold of Mommy - but my phone was switched off of course - not entirely my own doing - I'm a terrible cellphone owner and user -admittedly - but even if I had been checking my messages, my latest phone has a life of its own - opting to shut itself down whenever it feels like it.

Apparently the hubs had just gotten off the phone with a lost member of our booky crew who'd been attempting to reach me for directions to our new book club hub.....

I was too late to help. She was already at the door having successfully navigated the new route to our host's house all on her own.

Before she'd even crossed the threshold, she looked at me concerned...

"Is your husband OK - he's not allergic is he?" I stared back somewhat baffled, then I looked over at book buddy#1 - the one who'd answered my hub's call only moments earlier - questioningly. She looked equally nonplussed.....

"He was screaming on the phone - I think he was getting stung by a scorpion....!" continued the no-longer-lost book club buddy, closing the front door behind her.

This was priceless! I was getting this story secondhand, from my book club buddy who'd ear-'witnessed' it firsthand over the phone!

Funny - he hadn't mentioned it to book club buddy#1 when he'd called only seconds ago . No wait - that's actually not too strange for my hubs...

It's not that unusual for him to have the most enthused and animated phone call with a family member, often with me hovering in the background hopping from foot to foot - dying to be filled in - and by the time he's wrapped up the conversation and hung up the phone, his expression is completely blank. He's already forgotten whatever tantalizing tit-bit of gossip he had to share less than a minute earlier.......

Getting back to the hubs screaming like a girl......

Daddy had been strolling the boys home when the incident occurred.
After stopping for a brief Kids' Discovery lesson at the giant ant hill, Daddy turned around to take the toddlers back home for their bubble bath - that's when he got the call from our lost book club buddy....

I can only imagine he was doing his very helpful hubby bit, when 'POW!' his calf erupted in flames (not literally - he didn't spontaneously combust or anything crazy) .....

He suspected at first that a monster fire ant had made its way up there.....

Seconds later - and still on the phone - 'POW!' his shin caught ablaze too... I just know Daddy was screaming like a little girl at this point... (in spite of being in the presence of both his boys).

And, to top it all off, the belligerent blighter popped Daddy a third and final - self damning - time 'POW!' on his thigh! Daddy was apparently jumping around like a madman - thankfully behind the stroller so the kids didn't get freaked out by the sight of Daddy's freaky-deaky dance!

Of course the sting-happy critter didn't again see the light of day, ending its horrid little existence dangerously close to the crotch, in the jeans' leg of my poor hubby...

But it was no ant! It was a big old brown scorpion that had scuttled its way up my hubby's jeans' leg during the walk. Eek!

The screaming was enough to spook the kids though, and in spite of the white hot pain searing up and down his leg  - Daddy pulled up his 'big boy pants' - and showed the dangerous mangled arachnid to our boys (Discovery lesson of the day #2).

The hubs relayed this second-hand scorpion scoop back to me over the phone, with the book club ladies congregated around the dinner table - all eyes on me. I confess I had a bit of a giggle at the hubby's expense - as soon as I knew he and the boys were all OK of course!

I was very relieved to hear the incident hadn't happened inside our house - yet somewhat disturbed to discover that these horrid little creatures are nimble enough to crawl up a trouser leg on the move!

By the way, we did manage to procure a copy of One for the Money after all. Our host happened to be snazzy enough to own a Blu-ray player, so we called one of our lagging ladies to make a quick stop at the movie shop to pick it up.

Keep a look-out for my upcoming review in Book-em! for Go Momma's verdict on paper v  reel......